Why make things worse?

Anger is the hardest emotion for me to experience. My technique is to never experience it until it burst out into self infliction. It may sound crazy but I need to learn to get angry at others directly because my fear of conflict and not being liked simply means that I suffer in silence until I can’t bear it anymore, at which point I’ll punish myself so I don’t inflict anything upon the person I’m angry towards.

It’s not a good technique, it actually gives more chance of losing that person because of my passive aggression and ultimately immature tantrum. After a while my indirect tactics are ignored and I end up more alone than ever.

While my mental health has improved tenfold, anger is the one thing I haven’t been able to learn how to control in a helpful way. Many people would say they’ve never seen me angry because it’s something that’s done privately and destructively. I throw things, I punch the wall, I cry, I slam doors, I feel like a child, I revert back to that childlike inability to control or understand what’s happening inside my own head.

Luckily is does release everything and afterwards I am able to think more clearly, feeling stupid and confused at what just happened and actually not really caring much about the issue that caused the outburst. I often end up thinking about sad things that have happened to me and then crying until I can’t cry anymore, realising that maybe theseĀ events are the reason for my negative and out of proportion reactions.

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