An Inner Revolution

I felt I needed to write something about my experience at my new volunteer job.

I have been working at my local Oxfam book shop for 2 months now. And it has been a roller coaster and a half. You’d think it’d be the quietest job on earth but the drama, oh the drama. I already feel like I’ve made at least one friend for life and even an enemy!

I’ve managed to find a new confidence which has been brought out by the confidence of others. This week alone I was told by 3 people that I exude confidence and to me that was a huge shock so I laughed and simply told them It probably seems that way because I’m around people that make me happy. On the days my friends aren’t there I’m a quiet force who quietly gets on with tasks and then goes home at the end of the day feeling a little deflated.

While my work productivity has been lifted by the work of others and good company I do worry that I’m not able to find that confidence on my own. I have made one friend in particular who I have become attached to for the simple reason that they bring out my confidence and make me feel at ease around every one else, but on the days they aren’t there, that’s when I seem to fade away. I don’t want to have such a dependence on another person because they aren’t always going to be there but in the meantime I feel it’s a learning curve to see how they manage it. I worry that I need them there to be good at what I’m doing, but even before they were on the scene I was being applauded for my quick learning and ability to work efficiently.

It’s a feeling of not being able to believe that I am able even when the evidence is there and just believing it’s due to another person. I’ve discovered the power of other people and how the mood can be affected just by one friend. Things have gone from me struggling to manage 4 hour shifts to not even feeling the effects after an 11 hour shift  (which was supposed to be 8) and the time flying by and still having a smile on my face. I haven’t had community in a while and have sorely needed it. Feeling like I belong and I have a place.

My inner revolution is starting, I’m learning that other people believe in me and see me in such a different light compared to how I view myself. This is a revolution of thoughts and feelings, a revolution against all the life long lessons that my own mind and experiences have wrongly taught me. 

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