Updates.

I’ve been very inactive here lately, what with moving so I thought I should write an update. 

In only month there’s been too much happening and it’s been hectic but once again I made it through breathing. There’s been loss both good and bad, crying, hugging and simple getting through. My life is still confirming that it’s not going to give me a break any time soon but I’m making the most of it. I guess it does make things a bit less boring.

So, we moved and it took us two weeks to finally get all of our stuff to our new place. In between that time Leia (on of our rats) needed vet check ups for a lump under her arm, by the end of the second week she was put down due to cancer. I dealt with this surprisingly well and I guess it was a mixture of already dealing with a lot and blocking things out and the fact that she was at the stage that a lot of rats pass naturally unlike Evie, who was still young. 

In a way I think I did have a little bit of a breakdown because I was adamant we needed a new sister for Alice although she had two younger girls in with her.  And in the midst of this my husband’s bike was stolen which was needed to get to work, resulting in a very stressed and frustrated man who didn’t have a thief to have a go at and no way to get to work and no money to do anything about it. I guess I was just a bit of a buffer until it got sorted out. 

Then Lumen arrived. A scared little rat who was being given away for the sake of convenience for the owner. She arrived frightened and skinny and clearly neglected. Of course we fell in love with her instantly, she had a check up and other than her weight and nervous habits it was simply love she needed. Even though it caused more anger and frustration at an animal being treated like trash, she became a happy distraction from recent problems. Although Lumen was meant to be company for Alice, she’s getting very old now and wasn’t interested in making new friends. Luckily the younger girls love her and so I think she will be good company for them when Alice does eventually pass away.

Around this time I also decided on losing weight again. After weeks of stress and mountains of take away, I’d been gaining consistently and got to 13 stone 8, the last time I tried weight watchers my starting weight was 12 stone. I’ve managed to get down to 13st in the few weeks we’ve been here and I mean to go on.

I’ve even got up the courage to ask about a volunteering job. It’s a huge step for me, the only issue is it not paying but that’s the point of being a volunteering job, it’s in a small second hand book store, it’s quiet and I can gain confidence that I can be out in the real world doing regular things. Sure I worry that people will say well if you can do that why can’t you get a paid job but it’ll never be that simple. Volunteering is 100% on my terms, It’s up to me when and if I leave, I can decide when I’m available and when I’m okay enough to deal with it. If anything I have to get through one day first and yes, I’m terrified. If I can’t do this, I’m not sure what I’ll do but I guess we’ll have to see. If only I could figure out why it’s so heart-stoppingly terrifying. I’ve filled out the forms and I just need to take them in tomorrow and I’m good to go. I was genuine and honest with the manager, she asked me why I wanted to volunteer and I told her “I been struggling with depression for a few years and really need something small, somewhere I can feel safe, somewhere quiet where I can build confidence”. The woman smiled at me and said “perfect”.

So that’s everything so far that I can think of, let’s hope the rest of the year lightens up a bit.

How TwitchPlaysPokemon helped me mourn an old friend.

If you haven’t heard, a social experiment has been running on Twitch, hundreds of thousands of people have been playing the gameboy version of Pokemon together, each entering their own commands and seeing where they end up. After 13 days they finally defeated the game. Fandom has arisen and friends have been made.

Image

Since my friend Katie died in 2011 I lost a big part of myself. We shared things together that I wasn’t able to share with others. None of my other friends were really into Japanese shows or Saturday cartoons so she was the one I shared Pokemon with. While everyone picked up the fad as a kid, as everyone grew older they grew out of it but Katie and I still loved it just the same. I didn’t have any game consoles until I was a teenager but Katie had a gameboy, so I would go to her house and we would play Pokemon on her gameboy and then watch Tenchi Muyo on TV.

While I’ve tried to play some of the old games on a gameboy simulator and online it just felt lonely, I was playing it alone and it only made me miss her more.

With TwitchPlaysPokemon it wasn’t the chaotic gameplay that got me it was the love and fandom that came from this specific game. It was less lonely and I just imagined how I would be watching it with Katie for hours and how she would be just as frustrated as me the 10th time someone opened the PC. It felt less lonely and I could hear her reactions and quirks as I watched.

Of course it’s just a game but for me it’s a memory I’ll never have again, It was a happy memory of Katie that I got to relive and it felt like thousands of other people were right there too. Crystal is being played at the moment and while I still love it, it won’t be the same as red because me and Katie, we were red once too.

So love it or hate it, it’s bringing people together and hey, it’s just a whole lot of fun and nostalgia.

Image

Give Me Sparkle

Sooo…my new jewellery shop is open. There’s only a few products to start it off but more stock is on the way! The theme is bright coloured glitter unicorns having an adventure time in acrylic.

So why not click below and have a gander…

Image

New Home

Moving house is said to be one of the most stressful life events. Me and Jordan have moved 3 times in 3 years and I really hope not to have to do it again any time in the next few years. We’ve been trying to move for a while and it was really taking it’s toll but we finally made it. We have a bigger place but still so much stuff! 90% of it is mine, I can’t deny it. It took one van and 3 car trips to finally make it. 

Now is the task of finding places for everything. While I do like to design things, once all the wall decorations are up and shelves are placed, all of the little bits are left and you can’t really place them into a design. I think the stressful part isn’t the moving but the actually being surrounded by stuff and living in clutter for a couple of weeks. It’s more than a little frustrating and can leave you feeling a little hopeless.

But nonetheless, here we are and here’s to another new beginning.

Meytal Cohen

So I recently discovered a lovely lady called Meytal Cohen. I can’t remember who shared it or where it came from but it was on facebook and for some reason I wanted to click it and I wasn’t disappointed.

My husband’s a drummer and I’ve tried it out before but it was actually really hard. It may look like you’re just banging with some sticks and making some loud noise but after watching Meytal’s videos, it’s so incredibly intricate. And of course the fact that she’s female did attract me too.

Drumming is one of those things that’s put in the “boy thing” category and watching Meytal play the drums really made me want to try it some more. It’s no secret that I struggle with my identity and trying to be stereotypically female while also trying to do things I actually like. I was bullied for looking “masculine” in school and so it’s like my life’s goal is to try not to be stereotypically male because it was made out to be such a bad thing that I was tortured over. When I look at meytal, she’s got long flowing hair, wears make up, she has a fragile build and look she’s drumming and she’s okay with it. She’s happy with who she is and enjoys jumping the gender barrier without a care which always makes me feel so much better about myself. I would call myself feminine in appearance but a lot of my hobbies would be seem as male hobbies and it’s seeing other people not give a damn about that, that helps me become more of myself every day.

A whole New World.

Although I don’t live in America and wasn’t able to see the Grammy’s, there’s something that has been spreading around the internet that I just had to write about. I’m sure you can guess before I even say it and if you haven’t seen it then damn well watch this video now. It hasn’t even reached a million views and I am so surprised.

 

Yes, I cried. I love the song itself but when they had the couples getting married, that was when I had a tear in my eye. Everyone was cheering and screaming and I was thinking there was probably at least one person in that audience who felt sorrow or even anger at what was happening but they were out numbered and they were finally powerless. We’ve come so far in the last hundred years towards equality for all, we’re not there yet but damn, we have come so so far. Thank you humanity, you’re restoring my faith in you.

Magic.

So I have a new hobby.

I was waiting to write this post because I wasn’t sure whether the hobby was going to stick or whether I’d be able to grasp it properly.

I don’t even remember where I’d heard of it before but just as I was browsing through my Facebook feed, a friend of mine said how they’d have just got their first Magic pack.

With Christmas coming up and with money to spend I thought this might something fun to check out for myself. So I went onto amazon and had a look at what there was to buy. I didn’t have a clue what any of the different packs meant so I just tried to find something that wasn’t too costly but had the best reviews. I decided on the Deck Builders kit 2014, thinking with 285 that I’d probably never need any more. I didn’t know how to play but I thought the best first step would be getting cards.

Festering-Newt-M14-Spoiler

Well they arrived and they were beautiful but I still didn’t have a clue what to do with them. I hoped there would be instructions but they weren’t very clear on how on earth to start as a beginner. It kept talking about building a deck and I didn’t know what on earth that meant. So I started my research online and couldn’t find anyone explaining it without using Magic jargon. I was worried that I’d wasted my money and wouldn’t be able to play but then Jordan wanted to have a look at my cards.

Archaeomancer-M14-Spoiler

He seemed interesting in finding out how to play so we decided to figure it out together.

We ended up playing a few games against each other (probably completely wrong) but we managed the get the basics down and figure out how to build a deck.

Just after Christmas we decided to go into town to spend some Christmas money and remembered the comic book shop hidden away at the bottom of the highstreet. I’m a fan of comics and film/tv merchandise so I said I wanted to go. I got a few comics and a graphic novel I wanted.

Briarpack-Alpha-M14-Spoilers1

Then we spotted the Magic cards by the counter. Jordan decided to get his own full deck and we asked the cashier whether there was any kind of rule book. He said there wasn’t because there’s so much to it but we could find information of their official site and that every Friday they held games of Magic and that we should go along, he then pulled out a box full of half decks of cards and told us to take one each (I was a bit too excited about free cards).

It’s late January and I have 300 plus cards and Jordan’s black deck is incredibly hard to beat. When Jordan comes back from work, he’s tired and doesn’t have to concentration to watch a whole movie or sit in front of the TV so we’ve needed to find something to do together in the evenings that was fun, non-repetitive and wouldn’t get boring quickly. So, now we play Magic. Every evening, we build new decks together, play different colours versus new decks and we just spend time together.

169

Whether we ever go into tournaments, it doesn’t matter because every single game is different that we can play each other forever and it won’t happen the same. It’s interesting and new every time.

I’m happy I decided to buy that first box and I’m sure there will be many more. I’m never very good at losing (being an old child and all that) but I reckon I haven’t been too bad of a loser in comparison to other games because with Magic, you make the game how you want, it’s not someone else’s game that you’re playing, it’s your game and so you can change the tactics, it isn’t all about luck of the dice roll and so I have more control to win next time.

Act-of-Treason-M14-Spoiler

We are that young married couple who spend their romantic evenings in playing magic. And plus, people whose lives revolve around things that would be classed as “nerdy” are usually the nicest people you’ll meet. When we went to Magic, Jordan went into the tournament to see what would happen and the first person he played was an extremely experienced player who goes to international tournament, he knew Jordan was a beginner and so he helped him throughout (obviously without trying to make him win) and made it a fair game. He explained each rule and each card and didn’t even act as if he was better. Jordan actually got him down to one point and he hadn’t even noticed. Just goes to show what a little bit of humility can do for you.The best kind of hobby is one that gives you community, the kind of hobby that brings you closer to people you always share a relationship with.

2 years later.

So at the end of 2011 I wrote a post about my new medication. Now just over 2 years on I’ve started to realise how much more stable they have made me.

I was a real mess before I started taking Sertraline. Self harm was second nature and I remember the constant chest pain and nausea from anxiety. Daily life was horrible, I was in a state of panic all the time, It reduced me to tears daily. While, of course I’m not “fixed”, not having those pains and panic all the time has improved my ability to manage on a daily basis. There was never going to be a pill that would take it all away. All the pills can do is take away the things my brain is doing wrong chemically, it doesn’t change situation or thought process.

I used to break down at the smallest thing now I only crumble when any normal person would. I admit, yes, my emotions are still too much sometimes and my reactions are more extreme than others but at least I’m actually becoming extremely emotional when it’s natural too (death, illness etc) and not screaming in tears because Jordan isn’t home yet and I imagine he’s dead in an alley way.

I’m still struggling of course, I’m not a functioning member of society quite yet (unless you include the internet society) but getting here in the first place is a big deal. For some it may seem like nothing has changed and I haven’t moved anywhere but if I look back a few years where I was desperate to be sectioned so they could fix me because I was in so much agony, then I’m definitely in a new place.

I don’t feel so much like I’m crazy any more, I just feel like I need some help on my self esteem and intrusive thoughts. I need help with my thought processes and I need to find more things to love about life. I’m constantly trying to find a purpose when I’ve got nothing around me. So I’m looking more into social hobbies and places where I can feel like I belong. I have to create my own purpose. It’ll be hard but what’s harder is being unhappy. Being unhappy is draining and exhausting. Life won’t come to me, I have to find it myself. And it’s okay if I take a little longer because I’ve still got a lot of healing to do.

The Vertical Labret

Warning. This post is not for the faint hearted or squeamish. You have been warned.

So, with the last of my Christmas money, I decided on some body mod. I didn’t have enough for a tattoo (and I promised myself I have to get down to a healthy weight before I can get another) and I’d been thinking about a new piercing for a few months. This is what I wanted initially:

decale_original

Something small and simple, but there was the issue of the inside rubbing on gums or teeth. Now I’ve had enough problems with my teeth to not want to purposely cause any problems and so I went on pinterest and searched lip piercing and came across the perfect solution.

The vertical labret.

Still simple and not over the top with no way of tooth or gum problems caused my it. It goes through the bottom of the lip through to the top. So I thought, okay, It’s decided, this is the one. Of course I thought about the pain but then I realised how soft the lip is compared to my tragus and I didn’t feel so bad then. I went to the shop and the guy talked me through why he was using a certain technique and not another (not using a clamp as it can cause trauma to the surrounding are), I’ve never had a clamp used for any of my piercings so I was fine with that. With 20 years experience under his belt I felt in safe hands.

So I drag Leanne with me and she has to stay in the waiting room (we hoped she could film it). I have some numbing spray on the inside of my lip which is nice because I’ve never had numbing done before. I lie down with a pretty gross taste in my mouth and wait for the needle to come towards my face. He says “okay, stay as still as you can for me” and here it comes, the pressure under my lip, the initial pinch, half way through and the quick release of pressure as it goes through the other side. Of course it’s not over, the jewellery has to be put through, so as the lip starts to become a little sore after it realises what’s happened and the jewellery is quickly inserted into the needle and push through as the needle comes out. And done! It’s all a lot of worry for something so quick but I was allowed to lie down for a short while afterwards so as not to become dizzy.

piercing

I always make sure to drink a can of coke before a tattoo or piercing because blood sugar is extremely useful for this kind of thing. So I sit up and fill a little tipsy and get to look in the mirror at this huge piercing protruding from my lip. Of course, initial piercings are always big to give room for swelling. Any smaller and the healing process could actually envelope the jewellery. So with a quick healing time probably one of the easiest piercings I’ve had to deal with, I’m happy. Only 6 more weeks until I can change it to something smaller and more delicate because to be honest, I can’t stop playing with it. The worst thing to do with a new piercing is to play with it but it’s a large metal bar between my lips and it’s hardly easy!

Dexter- A Review

*spoilers, spoilers, spoilers*

You have been warned.

Well, as you may or may not know I just finished watching the TV series Dexter (I know it finished a while back, I had to wait for netflix).

And I guess I felt I should write about my experience with the show.

Now let’s start from the beginning I guess.

Dexter is a serial killer, a psychopath with a conscience. The main objective of the show, I felt, was Dexter trying to figure out whether it was his own conscience or one that he had simple borrowed from his father. In short, whether he was born that way or created. Nature vs nurture and all that. The show is based (very very lightly) on the books by Jeff Lindsay. The first season was close to the first book but after that it was pretty much a new story completely.

I wasn’t actually very fond of the first book, it was very empty and the character of Dexter was much more un-likeable and less human than in the TV show but I guess that’s what happens when an non psychopath actor tries to play one. Emotions always slip through.

The main focus was on Dexter almost all the time (well it is called Dexter) but we still manage to have interactions with other enough to learn to love them and to empathise with them. We see people through Dexter’s eyes with his voice overs so we can understand his train of thought and while they may be distorted from ours, it allows us a lot more insight into his way of thinking.

Without the voice over, It would have been impossible to know what was going on because it’s necessary to be able to see inside Dexter or we, as non serial killing psychopaths wouldn’t be able to understand or connect with him. What surprised me was how at the ending of each episode there was usually some kind of philosophical speech by Dexter which, usually made quite a bit of sense.

Since Dexter’s adopted father’s death, he sees his figure when he is wavering between right and wrong. Harry Morgan being the image of conscience deviated any responsibility for right or wrong actions from Dexter. So it allowed him to take a step back from being the good guy for doing something good or the bad guy because in his head, he’s just doing what Harry says.

tumblr_mt7hnmtiSW1qb5c2jo4_250

The character who really made the show what it was for me though was Debra Morgan. Dexter’s adoptive sister. Without her, the show would be nothing. She was everything to the plot and my ultimate favourite. She was the perfect sister, an intelligent cop and generally just a really good person. Everything she says is either insightful or hilarious and her use of the word “fuck” really is a magical thing.

tumblr_ljxbzl01Gr1qc2s5go1_500

While Dexter may seem like the star of the show, I wouldn’t put him in my top 3 because the others are just so awesome. Joseph Quinn, Angel Batista and Vince Masuka were my top 3 after Deb. The great thing about these characters is they all have their faults which are shown again and again but we don’t hate them for their flaws, we love them for their good side.

Quinn is the bad guy looking for redemption, he wants to be the good guy this time and he may trip up but he always come through. He’s also the only one who truly sticks by Deb in the end.

tumblr_ms5artdfcU1qfwwamo1_250

 

tumblr_mm4rrzScZE1s9prw9o1_500

Angel is like a sweet, cuddly uncle figure. He has a heart of gold but sometimes it means he can make stupid mistakes when he doesn’t use his head. But he would do anything for the ones he loved and you can’t help but want him to finally find some kind of happiness.

tumblr_lubzys0M7J1qc4m0ro1_250

tumblr_miqipm7ef41rl3xmfo1_400

Vince Masuka is just the class fool. He feels like a bit of an outcast so tries to fit in by making constant sex jokes. And don’t even get me started on that laugh.

tumblr_m5y7htMzxh1rr007eo1_500

I’m not even sure this is a review anymore, maybe just an explanation of my love for the background characters!

But yes, it’s a show about morals, where we get them from, whether we are born with certain ideas or whether they all come from our upbringing. It’s a show about living in a world of humans when you feel you aren’t one. It’s about not fitting in and trying to figure out how. It’s a show about good versus evil.

I guess I should probably talk about the finale. Okay, so many people didn’t like the last few seasons but I didn’t really like any season more or less than another but the finale, a lot of people complained. I understand why. People always want a happy ending and can’t understand why anything bad would happen (because real life is perfect, right?).

tumblr_inline_mrwrq3Ni3P1qkq1cq

Deb’s death had me sobbing but I didn’t think it shouldn’t have happened. It was the biggest wake up call of Dexter’s life. I feel that it should have ended with Dexter going into the storm, Hannah reading the article about his death and then walking away with Harrison. That to me would have been a satisfying ending because there will always be questions but you decide for yourself whether he really killed himself or not. And having the mystery of whether he was alive or dead would have been much better than becoming a f***ing lumberjack. Because that doesn’t really leave you with anything. It doesn’t answer anything or resolve anything, it just leaves you thinking “what the f***?”.

So that’s my two cents on the finale.

Overall it’s a show you want to keep watching. You question yourself rooting for the bad guy and fall in love with a few people on the way. It’s a great series and an enjoyable watch. I’ll never forget Hammer Time. Oh and one last thing…

tumblr_mtlnq2x6AO1rxfqnio1_500